If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We are two peas in an std pod
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
