I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
