I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
