what day is it and did you see me today?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
