My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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