you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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