some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
