I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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