i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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