I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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