FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
