you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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