Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
fuck your aforementioned shoe
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
