I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize