Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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