I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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