I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
