you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
