There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize