she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
