Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize