I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
