I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
