He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
