There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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