jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
