she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
