My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
