I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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