the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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