Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
