do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
