why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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