Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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