i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
