Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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