there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize