I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
