Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
