A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
