found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
