I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
