dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
