I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize