he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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