He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
