I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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