The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
