I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
