I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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