Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
