My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
