If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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