My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
