Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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