I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
