I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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