i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
