i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
