I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You're like the curious george of whores
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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