Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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